Been 12 days.
I'm doing Draw a Box to improve my art. I'm doing the 250 box challenge after starting the course on the 20th.
I reactivated my IG and Twitter and man. I don't miss it at all. It's probably the people or just being over having to post everything at every second but they're needed tools to reach out into the art world and connect with people and opportunities. Gotta get things organized to make them worth the time.
I've gotten a lot into podcasts about just going for things/art related stuff. I feel like some of the restisting of becoming an artist was hanging around people who liked video games and movies wanting to work kfor them and me associating art with that kind of stuff but I'm not interested in those things and kind of shoved it off until I was listening/reading art articles and it's obviously not just that. It's weird when you surround yourself with people and you get stuck in a "bubble" even though the obvious is right in front of you.
I read more into possible art careers and I'm going to focus on illustration as a basis and read about editorial art and I love the idea of doing that along with selling my stuff on the side once I'm better. The editorial stuff sounds fun to cover my interest in so many things and then to be able to draw it out, but the reality might be totally different.
All I know is that I'm gonna be doing things as an artist real soon.
I'm finding out more information regarding the "dark night of the soul" and a lot of what I've been experiencing the past month+ and its process is wowing me.
Have you heard of it before? It's hitting more and more with each day and knowing about that it goes under an actual term and others experiencing it is something else.
My head's always spinning about how things shouldn't be like this and this isn't it. This isn't it! We're conditioned for this though and some people will never know better because they stick to what they know
I look at the past notes for the IT course I started last week and get sick. This isn't it.
If i gotta grow I gotta be honest and can't be safe anymore. I can't stop being safe or else I won't ever escape.
I don't know if I should continue with the programming classes in June. I think that's more interesting compared to the IT aspect of troubleshooting but hey. I just know my heart is in art and hands-on stuff.
I'm gonna spend all my time besides on school and work on improving my art. That's just how it's gotta be. It's gotta be creative pursuits.
I wanna take sculpting and all. I would get flashes of being in some lil art workshop I'd be in with paints and projects... and they're getting more intense. I'm also seeing visions of looking outta kitchen window and sweeping the front of a home or a storefront(?) in a hazy morning from looks like around a lazy beach town. They're intensifying as well.
This is it.
2. 5/15/2021, 1027p:
It's been a week since last time.
I've been doing a lot of study in the Google Coursera IT support certification. It's been pretty much all I've been doing if I'm not at work.
I got accepted through my union's classes for an associate's in business management with a certificate in programming and development. I start June 7th.
I know I'm not exactly interested in IT by heart but feel for developing a new skill, especially with everything on lockdown still, this is a smart move to take. Not that I'm not interested in IT... technology is super interesting to me, it's just I'm not too crazy about the "you'll be a support tech ie. call center kind of role like what you do now but with people saying 'it's so slow!!!" and expect that to be enough information" but you gotta get dirty to get clean in the first place
I started the learning last Sunday and it made me realize how much time I wasted not "doing" anything in my spare time. I love to learn and this made me see that I really can learn anyhting if I want to if I dedicate the time to it.
Coursera offers a design set of courses... I wonder how those work out.
I had an even more of an "awakening" this week where a lot of things just don't feel the same. Past interests and relationships with people don't feel like they're real. As if I put on a face because it's what I knew and kept for the sake of being comfortable and not alone instead of facing change and making something I actually want. I'm starting to really enjoy the time that I have with myself and not having to watch over others in a sense and better myself vs wasting my time. Not that I'm wasting time with people if we hang out... Our sense of what's priority and what's a waste have changed and we just don't sync anymore.
I'm thinking of past relationships as a whole where a lot of it was me giving, popping in and asking how they're doing, getting invested in their lives, all that, but hardly got anything back. And when I do, it's us hanging out and them talking about their whole life story and if I neutralize the convo with something we can both talk about or share something about me, it always reverts back to them. It's tiring being supportive and not having a leanback. I can count 4 people off the top of my head like this... I'm done interacting with these people.
I feel so liberated.
A random post online was explaining the same situation and it really hit me that this is something that kind of smacks you and you watch your world crumble. You feel alone but you realize all the bad your life had and you build new connections, mindsets and opportunities to attract what you're really about.
If you feel that there needs to be a change, you need to be willing to make a change instead of hope and live the same old way that doesn't get you a change at all. Remember even the smallest change from routine is what can make a difference in everything. Quit doubting yourself and do something different. That tug in your chest and ache in your head are there for a reason.
I feel the realization of social media being a waste of time a few months ago did something special. There's not a need to be seen. Things don't have value anymore in a sense... they're there. They're things. This is all man-made. I don't need something or someone to tell me what's worth my time. I'll figure out what I need and what's actually important.
Being constructive with your time makes such a difference.
Good luck out there!
I started this page/had my breakdown to change starting May 2nd. So far, I've: